Guest Post: BDSM and Negotiation

by Sherri Hayes

I’ve seen a lot of discussion on negotiation in BDSM relationships. The process seems to be fascinating to some, like it’s a new concept, but isn’t negotiation what happens in any relationship? Or maybe I should say, isn’t that what should happen in any relationship?

Whenever I research a topic, I like to go back to the basics. What does negotiation mean exactly? According to the dictionary, negotiation is: mutual discussion and arrangement of the terms of a transaction or agreement.

Seems pretty simple, right? Both parties talk and find common ground.

In vanilla (non-BDSM) relationships, the process is often lumped in the ‘getting to know you’ category. But should it be?

Negotiation is one concept where I feel those that practice BDSM tend to get it right more than those in more conventional relationships. Because of the exaggerated dynamics that can usually be found in BDSM relationships, expectations are more clearly laid out and discussed in most cases. What does each party want out of the relationship? Do they desire something long-term or short-term? What are each person’s hard limits (things they are not willing to do). What do they want to try, experience?

In vanilla relationships this can be anything from getting married to children to career goals for each partner. These same things are often on the negotiating table of a BDSM relationship as well, but it goes a step farther than that. Not many vanilla couples I know talk about their expectations of each other in the bedroom. Many times, sex is allowed to develop ‘naturally’. The problem with this, however, is that the partners can’t read each other’s minds. If communication isn’t there, then how does each partner know that the other is getting what they want and need out of the relationship, sexually and otherwise?

So what does negotiation mean in a relationship? It can actually mean a great many things. There are some couples out there that write everything down. In BDSM, this is known as a contract. Others take a less clinical approach and discuss things regularly with open communication. If one partner is interested in trying something new, they bring it up to the other partner, maybe do some research, and then decide as a couple if it’s something they want to pursue.

I recently read a wonderful blog post from a submissive regarding communication between her and her Sir. They are just starting out on their BDSM journey, and her blog posts always have great insights into the real life struggles of living and communicating in a D/s relationship. Here is the link to her post if you’d like to check it out.http://onbeingsubmissive.wordpress.com/2013/09/27/you-have-to-talk-for-this-to-work/

How about you? How do you and your partner address new facets to your relationship? Do you have a specific time and place for discussion? Do you have a contract that lays everything out?

(Originally posted 10/10/13 on BDSM Book Reviews)

Author Bio 

Sherri spent most of her childhood detesting English class. It was one of her least favorite subjects because she never seemed to fit into the standard mold. She wasn't good at spelling, or following grammar rules, and outlines made her head spin. For that reason, Sherri never imagined becoming an author.

At the age of thirty, all of that changed. After getting frustrated with the direction a television show was taking two of its characters, Sherri decided to try her hand at writing an alternate ending, and give the characters their happily ever after. By the time the story finished, it was one of the top ten read stories on the site, and her readers were encouraging her to write more.

Nearly eight years later, Sherri is the author of eight full-length novels, and two short stories. Writing has become a creative outlet that allows her to explore a wide range of emotions, while having fun taking her characters through all the twists and turns she can create. You can find a current list of all of Sherri’s books and sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.sherrihayesauthor.com. 

Guest Post: How I Write

by Sherri Hayes

I met a friend last week for lunch. She’s been trying to write a book of her own for the last two years and wanted to know about my writing process. “How do you know where to start, where to go, how it will end? These are very common questions and she’s not the first one to ask. 

My writing process involves a lot of thinking. Before I even start writing, I’m thinking about my characters. For my newest book, Slave, I spent more than a month contemplating Stephan and Brianna before I ever put a word on paper. For me, it is very important to have that solid base. I need to know who my characters are in order to know how they will react to any given situation I place them in. 

Once I have my main characters flushed out, I begin incorporating the plot. Again, I spend a lot of time thinking and often talking out plot points. It’s not uncommon to see me during my morning walk talking to myself. I like to talk out scenes, character backgrounds, motivations… It helps me to put things into perspective because how I would react is not necessarily how my character would. 

A lot of writers use outlines. I’m not one of them. Everything about my books goes on in my head. I’ve tried outlines and they just don’t work for me. One time I spent an entire day on an outline and ended up using only pieces of it in the end and not even in the order I’d originally planned. 

When I write, I am in the moment with my characters. Whether it is a love scene or an action sequence, I’m there. I consider myself an emotional writer. If I can’t feel a scene, I have a very hard time writing it. Because of this, I spend a lot of time on character development throughout the process. 

It isn’t uncommon for me to wake myself up in the middle of the night with a story, be it the one I’m working on, or one I’m contemplating for the future. Stories are always rolling around in my head. It’s just a matter of putting them on paper or in the computer as the case may be.

I don’t hand write any of my stories as some authors do. Typing is my preferred method to write. I type much faster than I write freehand, so it allows the emotion of the scene to flow more easily through typing than writing it down with the traditional pen and paper. 

My best advice to aspiring authors, and the advice I gave to my friend… Just write! Give a little thought to your main character, set up the opening scene, and then just go for it. It doesn’t matter if the first story you write is crap. As with everything else, the more you write, the better at it you will become. You can always go back and edit, re-write, or completely trash a scene later. It’s what writer’s do, and that’s okay. Just be true to yourself and your characters. And above all else…Write for you.  

(Originally posted 9/3/11 on Earth's Book Nook)

Author Bio 

Sherri spent most of her childhood detesting English class. It was one of her least favorite subjects because she never seemed to fit into the standard mold. She wasn't good at spelling, or following grammar rules, and outlines made her head spin. For that reason, Sherri never imagined becoming an author.

At the age of thirty, all of that changed. After getting frustrated with the direction a television show was taking two of its characters, Sherri decided to try her hand at writing an alternate ending, and give the characters their happily ever after. By the time the story finished, it was one of the top ten read stories on the site, and her readers were encouraging her to write more.

Nearly eight years later, Sherri is the author of eight full-length novels, and two short stories. Writing has become a creative outlet that allows her to explore a wide range of emotions, while having fun taking her characters through all the twists and turns she can create. You can find a current list of all of Sherri’s books and sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.sherrihayesauthor.com. 

Self Publishing vs. Traditional Publishing

Welcome to Serpent’s Kiss is my first venture in self-publishing. The first part of the process wasn’t all that different from what I was used to. After publishing nine books through a publishing house, I was familiar with the writing and editing process. Just because I was self-publishing didn’t mean I wanted the quality of my books to decrease so I stuck to what I was used to. I was able to freelance with the same editor who has worked on my last six books.

The first thing that did change for me with self-publishing this book was my cover. I decided to have a custom cover made rather than use a stock photo. The entire process was a lot of fun. I was able to work with the photographer to pick a model and the props that would be used. This gave me a unique cover that was able to look exactly the way I wanted it to.

My biggest challenge came when I went to create an IBSN for my book, and then upload it to Amazon. Since I’d never done it before, it took me a while to read through everything and make sure I was filling things out correctly. All in all, I think those two things took me upwards of six hours. It will get easier, I’m sure. The first time is always the hardest.

Overall, I’ve enjoyed my self-publishing experience. It has, however, made me appreciate some of the behind the scenes stuff publishers do for authors. 

(Originally posted 12/13/14 on Author Lisa Bilbrey's Blog)

Author Bio 

Sherri spent most of her childhood detesting English class. It was one of her least favorite subjects because she never seemed to fit into the standard mold. She wasn't good at spelling, or following grammar rules, and outlines made her head spin. For that reason, Sherri never imagined becoming an author.

At the age of thirty, all of that changed. After getting frustrated with the direction a television show was taking two of its characters, Sherri decided to try her hand at writing an alternate ending, and give the characters their happily ever after. By the time the story finished, it was one of the top ten read stories on the site, and her readers were encouraging her to write more.

Nearly eight years later, Sherri is the author of eight full-length novels, and two short stories. Writing has become a creative outlet that allows her to explore a wide range of emotions, while having fun taking her characters through all the twists and turns she can create. You can find a current list of all of Sherri’s books and sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.sherrihayesauthor.com. 

Guest Post: Why I Write Romance by Sherri Hayes

I’ve always loved a good romance. Back when I was a pre-teen, I remember reading Sweet Dreams romances. As I got older, I graduated to Harlequins. There’s always been something about two people meeting and falling in love that draws me in, and makes me want to see them find their happily ever after.

When I started writing, someone told me to always write what you like to read, and that’s what I’ve tried to do. The hero and heroine have to be characters I can fall in love with. I don’t want them to be perfect, but I do want them to be likable enough to make me want to root for them through whatever struggles they have to go through.

Relationships are complex, which means I can have fun putting the couples through lots of twists and turns. There has to be a good story, with strong supporting characters to round things out, and keep things entertaining.

(Originally posted 2/20/13 on The Daily Opinion)

Author Bio

Sherri spent most of her childhood detesting English class. It was one of her least favorite subjects because she never seemed to fit into the standard mold. She wasn't good at spelling, or following grammar rules, and outlines made her head spin. For that reason, Sherri never imagined becoming an author.

At the age of thirty, all of that changed. After getting frustrated with the direction a television show was taking two of its characters, Sherri decided to try her hand at writing an alternate ending, and give the characters their happily ever after. By the time the story finished, it was one of the top ten read stories on the site, and her readers were encouraging her to write more.

Nearly eight years later, Sherri is the author of eight full-length novels, and two short stories. Writing has become a creative outlet that allows her to explore a wide range of emotions, while having fun taking her characters through all the twists and turns she can create. You can find a current list of all of Sherri’s books and sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.sherrihayesauthor.com. 

Guest Post: Writing and the English Language

by Author Sherri Hayes

I was doing a radio interview about a year ago and the host asked if I’d always wanted to be a writer. The simple answer to that is a resounding no. Becoming a writer was never a consideration for me growing up.

Why? First of all, I suck at English. Some of you are probably laughing right about now, but it’s true. Even today, when my editor tries to explain grammar rules to me, my eyes glaze over. English is not one of my strengths.

As a child, I had stories in my head. I just never wrote any of them down. As an adult, I gravitated toward customer service jobs—ones where good communication was essential. I think these two things, combined with my love of reading romances, have helped to make me a better writer. I understand how to break things down and explain them to someone who may not normally understand the situation. That’s a great skill to have as an author, and one I’m forever grateful to have.

Although I may never understand all the technical aspects of writing, I try to concentrate on my strengths. We all have them. We all have weakness too. It’s part of life and what makes us unique.

(Originally posted 3/6/13 on Beautiful Mistakes)

Author Bio

Sherri spent most of her childhood detesting English class. It was one of her least favorite subjects because she never seemed to fit into the standard mold. She wasn't good at spelling, or following grammar rules, and outlines made her head spin. For that reason, Sherri never imagined becoming an author.

At the age of thirty, all of that changed. After getting frustrated with the direction a television show was taking two of its characters, Sherri decided to try her hand at writing an alternate ending, and give the characters their happily ever after. By the time the story finished, it was one of the top ten read stories on the site, and her readers were encouraging her to write more.

Nearly eight years later, Sherri is the author of eight full-length novels, and two short stories. Writing has become a creative outlet that allows her to explore a wide range of emotions, while having fun taking her characters through all the twists and turns she can create. You can find a current list of all of Sherri’s books and sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.sherrihayesauthor.com. 

A Guest Post from Author Sherri Hayes

When I set out to write Chris and Elizabeth’s story in Behind Closed Doors, it was supposed to be a standalone book. But as I began building Chris’ family, I was drawn to the brothers. I knew then that I would have to give each brother his own book.

A lot of my readers were surprised after reading Behind Closed Doors that Gage’s book was next in the series. They thought Paul would be next in line. It wasn’t meant to be, however. I didn’t know why at the time, but once I was about halfway through Gage and Rebecca’s book, Red Zone, I knew. Megan, Rebecca’s sister, was the missing piece.

I knew before I started writing, Paul’s book would be an emotional one. He’s a widower who lost his wife in a tragic accident. They were childhood sweethearts whose lives together were cut short way too soon. Paul still loves his wife, and I knew going into it that wasn’t going to change.

This was why Megan was the perfect fit for him. When I met her in Red Zone, she had all the qualities that I felt Paul needed in his life. She was young, full of energy, and yet she’d been through some tough times herself. Megan could be that pillar of strength Paul needed to move on.

(Originally posted 9/9/14 on Books For Fun)