by Sherri Hayes
I’ve seen a lot of discussion on
negotiation in BDSM relationships. The process seems to be fascinating to some,
like it’s a new concept, but isn’t negotiation what happens in any
relationship? Or maybe I should say, isn’t that what should happen
in any relationship?
Whenever I research a topic, I like to
go back to the basics. What does negotiation mean exactly? According to the
dictionary, negotiation is: mutual discussion and arrangement of the terms of a
transaction or agreement.
Seems pretty simple, right? Both parties
talk and find common ground.
In vanilla (non-BDSM) relationships, the
process is often lumped in the ‘getting to know you’ category. But should it
be?
Negotiation is one concept where I feel
those that practice BDSM tend to get it right more than those in more
conventional relationships. Because of the exaggerated dynamics that can
usually be found in BDSM relationships, expectations are more clearly laid out
and discussed in most cases. What does each party want out of the relationship?
Do they desire something long-term or short-term? What are each person’s hard
limits (things they are not willing to do). What do they want
to try, experience?
In vanilla relationships this can be
anything from getting married to children to career goals for each partner.
These same things are often on the negotiating table of a BDSM relationship as
well, but it goes a step farther than that. Not many vanilla couples I know
talk about their expectations of each other in the bedroom. Many times,
sex is allowed to develop ‘naturally’. The problem with this,
however, is that the partners can’t read each other’s minds. If
communication isn’t there, then how does each partner know that the other is
getting what they want and need out of the relationship, sexually and otherwise?
So what does negotiation mean in a
relationship? It can actually mean a great many things. There are some couples
out there that write everything down. In BDSM, this is known as a
contract. Others take a less clinical approach and discuss things regularly with
open communication. If one partner is interested in trying something new,
they bring it up to the other partner, maybe do some research,
and then decide as a couple if it’s something they want to pursue.
I recently read a wonderful blog post
from a submissive regarding communication between her and her Sir. They are
just starting out on their BDSM journey, and her blog posts always have great
insights into the real life struggles of living and communicating in a D/s
relationship. Here is the link to her post if you’d like to check it out.http://onbeingsubmissive.wordpress.com/2013/09/27/you-have-to-talk-for-this-to-work/
How about you? How do you and your
partner address new facets to your relationship? Do you have a specific
time and place for discussion? Do you have a contract that lays everything
out?
(Originally posted 10/10/13 on BDSM Book Reviews)
Author Bio
.jpg)
Sherri spent most of
her childhood detesting English class. It was one of her least favorite
subjects because she never seemed to fit into the standard mold. She wasn't
good at spelling, or following grammar rules, and outlines made her head spin.
For that reason, Sherri never imagined becoming an author.
At the age of thirty,
all of that changed. After getting frustrated with the direction a television
show was taking two of its characters, Sherri decided to try her hand at
writing an alternate ending, and give the characters their happily ever after.
By the time the story finished, it was one of the top ten read stories on the
site, and her readers were encouraging her to write more.
Nearly eight years
later, Sherri is the author of eight full-length novels, and two short stories.
Writing has become a creative outlet that allows her to explore a wide range of
emotions, while having fun taking her characters through all the twists and
turns she can create. You can find a current list of all of Sherri’s books and
sign up for her monthly newsletter at www.sherrihayesauthor.com.
